Sharma's Blog

Windows RUN Commands

Anupam — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 17:54:30 +0000

Accessibility Controls—- — access.cpl
Add Hardware Wizard—— – hdwwiz.cpl
Add/Remove Programs—- — appwiz.cpl
Administrative Tools——- control admintools
Automatic Updates—– — wuaucpl.cpl
Bluetooth Transfer Wizard—— – fsquirt
Calculator– —– calc
Certificate Manager certmgr.msc
Character Map charmap
Check Disk Utility—– — chkdsk
Clipboard Viewer—— – clipbrd
Command Prompt—— – cmd
Component Services—- — dcomcnfg
Computer Management– —– compmgmt.msc
timedate.cpl- —— ddeshare
Device Manager—– — devmgmt.msc
Direct X Control Panel (If Installed)*- —— directx.cpl
Direct X Troubleshooter- —— dxdiag
Disk Cleanup Utility—– — cleanmgr
Disk Defragment– —– dfrg.msc
Disk Management– —– diskmgmt.msc
Disk Partition Manager—– — diskpart
Display Properties– —– control desktop
Display Properties– —– desk.cpl
Display Properties (w/Appearance Tab Preselected) ——- control color
Dr. Watson System Troubleshooting Utility—– — drwtsn32
Driver Verifier Utility—– — verifier
Event Viewer—— – eventvwr.msc
File Signature Verification Tool——- sigverif
Findfast—- — findfast.cpl
Folders Properties– —– control folders
Fonts——- control fonts
Fonts Folder—— – fonts
Free Cell Card Game——- freecell
Game Controllers- —— joy.cpl
Group Policy Editor (XP Prof)——- gpedit.msc
Hearts Card Game——- mshearts
Iexpress Wizard—— – iexpress
Indexing Service—– — ciadv.msc
Internet Properties– —– inetcpl.cpl
IP Configuration (Display Connection Configuration) ——- ipconfig /all
IP Configuration (Display DNS Cache Contents)— —- ipconfig /displaydns
IP Configuration (Delete DNS Cache Contents)— —- ipconfig /flushdns
IP Configuration (Release All Connections) ——- ipconfig /release
IP Configuration (Renew All Connections) ——- ipconfig /renew
IP Configuration (Refreshes DHCP & Re-Registers DNS)——- ipconfig /registerdns
IP Configuration (Display DHCP Class ID)——- ipconfig /showclassid
IP Configuration (Modifies DHCP Class ID)——- ipconfig /setclassid
Java Control Panel (If Installed) jpicpl32.cpl
Java Control Panel (If Installed)– —– javaws
Keyboard Properties– —– control keyboard
Local Security Settings—- — secpol.msc
Local Users and Groups—— – lusrmgr.msc
Logs You Out Of Windows—– — logoff
Microsoft Chat——- winchat
Minesweeper Game——- winmine
Mouse Properties– —– control mouse
Mouse Properties– —– main.cpl
Network Connections- —— control netconnections
Network Connections- —— ncpa.cpl
Network Setup Wizard—— – netsetup.cpl
Notepad—– — notepad
Nview Desktop Manager (If Installed)– —– nvtuicpl.cpl
Object Packager—- — packager
ODBC Data Source Administrator- —— odbccp32.cpl
On Screen Keyboard—- — osk
Opens AC3 Filter (If Installed)– —– ac3filter.cpl
Password Properties– —– password.cpl
Performance Monitor—– – perfmon.msc
Performance Monitor—– — perfmon
Phone and Modem Options—– — telephon.cpl
Power Configuration- —— powercfg.cpl
Printers and Faxes——- control printers
Printers Folder—— – printers
Private Character Editor—— – eudcedit
Quicktime (If Installed)– —– QuickTime.cpl
Regional Settings—- — intl.cpl
Registry Editor—— – regedit
Registry Editor—— – regedit32
Remote Desktop—– — mstsc
Removable Storage—– — ntmsmgr.msc
Removable Storage Operator Requests—- — ntmsoprq.msc
Resultant Set of Policy (XP Prof)——- rsop.msc
Scanners and Cameras—– — sticpl.cpl
Scheduled Tasks——- control schedtasks
Security Center—— – wscui.cpl
Services—- — services.msc
Shared Folders—– — fsmgmt.msc
Shuts Down Windows—– — shutdown
Sounds and Audio——- mmsys.cpl
Spider Solitare Card Game——- spider
SQL Client Configuration- —— cliconfg
System Configuration Editor—— – sysedit
System Configuration Utility—– — msconfig
System File Checker Utility (Scan Immediately) ——- sfc /scannow
System File Checker Utility (Scan Once At Next Boot)——- sfc /scanonce
System File Checker Utility (Scan On Every Boot)——- sfc /scanboot
System File Checker Utility (Return to Default Setting)—- — sfc /revert
System File Checker Utility (Purge File Cache)—— – sfc /purgecache
System File Checker Utility (Set Cache Size to size x)——- sfc /cachesize=x
System Properties– —– sysdm.cpl
Task Manager—– — taskmgr
Telnet Client—— – telnet
User Account Management– —– nusrmgr.cpl
Utility Manager—– — utilman
Windows Firewall—- — firewall.cpl
Windows Magnifier— —- magnify
Windows Management Infrastructure- —— wmimgmt.msc

Accessibility Controls ——— access.cpl
Accessibility Wizard ——— accwiz
Add Hardware Wizard ——— hdwwiz.cpl
Add/Remove Programs ——— appwiz.cpl
Administrative Tools ——— control admintools
Adobe Acrobat (if installed) ——— acrobat
Adobe Designer (if installed) ——— acrodist
Adobe Distiller (if installed) ——— acrodist
Adobe ImageReady (if installed) ——— imageready
Adobe Photoshop (if installed) ——— photoshop
Automatic Updates ——— wuaucpl.cpl
Bluetooth Transfer Wizard ——— fsquirt
Calculator ——— calc
Certificate Manager ——— certmgr.msc
Character Map ——— Charmap
Check Disk Utility ——— chkdsk
Clipboard Viewer ——— clipbrd
Command Prompt ——— cmd
Component Services ——— dcomcnfg
Computer Management ——— compmgmt.msc
Control Panel ——— control
Date and Time Properties ——— timedate.cpl
DDE Shares ——— ddeshare
Device Manager ——— devmgmt.msc
Direct X Control Panel (If Installed)* ——— directx.cpl
Direct X Troubleshooter ——— dxdiag
Disk Cleanup Utility ——— cleanmgr
Disk Defragment ——- dfrg.msc
Disk Management ——– diskmgmt.msc
Disk Partition Manager ——— diskpart
Display Properties ———– control desktop
Display Properties ———-Desk. cpl
Display Properties (w/Appearance Tab Preselected) ——— control color
Dr. Watson System Troubleshooting Utility ———— drwtsn32
Driver Verifier Utility ———— verifier
Minesweeper Game ——– winmine
Mouse Properties ——— control mouse
Mouse Properties ———- main.cpl
Nero (if installed) ——— nero
Netmeeting ———— – conf
Network Connections ———- control netconnections
Network Connections ——— ncpa.cpl
Network Setup Wizard ———- netsetup.cpl
Notepad ——— notepad
Nview Desktop Manager (If Installed) ——- nvtuicpl.cpl
Object Packager ———- packager
ODBC Data Source Administrator —— odbccp32.cpl
On Screen Keyboard ——— osk
Opens AC3 Filter (If Installed) ——— ac3filter.cpl
Outlook Express ———— – msimn
Paint ———— pbrush
Password Properties ——– password.cpl
Performance Monitor ——- perfmon.msc
Performance Monitor ——— perfmon
Phone and Modem Options ——- telephon.cpl
Phone Dialer ——— dialer
Pinball Game ———— — pinball
Power Configuration ——— powercfg.cpl
Printers and Faxes ——- control printers
Printers Folder ——— printers
Private Character Editor ——— eudcedit
Quicktime (If Installed) ——— QuickTime.cpl
Quicktime Player (if installed) ———— – quicktimeplayer
Real Player (if installed) ———— – realplay
Regional Settings ———– intl.cpl
Registry Editor ——— regedit
Registry Editor ——– regedit32
Remote Access Phonebook ——– rasphone
Remote Desktop ——— mstsc
Removable Storage ——— ntmsmgr.msc
Removable Storage Operator Requests ——— ntmsoprq.msc
Resultant Set of Policy (XP Prof) ———- rsop.msc
Scanners and Cameras ———— sticpl.cpl
Scheduled Tasks ———– control schedtasks
Security Center ———– wscui.cpl
Services ———— — services.msc
Shared Folders ———– fsmgmt.msc
Shuts Down Windows ——- shutdown
Sounds and Audio ———— mmsys.cpl
Spider Solitare Card Game ——– spider
SQL Client Configuration ——— cliconfg
System Configuration Editor ——— sysedit
System Configuration Utility ——— msconfig
System File Checker Utility (Scan Immediately) ———- sfc /scannow
System File Checker Utility (Scan Once At Next Boot) ———- sfc /scanonce
System File Checker Utility (Scan On Every Boot) ———— — sfc /scanboot
System File Checker Utility (Return to Default Setting) ———– sfc /revert
System File Checker Utility (Purge File Cache) ———— sfc /purgecache
System File Checker Utility (Set Cache Size to size x) ———— sfc /cachesize=x
System Information ———– msinfo32
System Properties ——— sysdm.cpl
Task Manager ———— taskmgr
TCP Tester ———— tcptest
Telnet Client ——— telnet
Tweak UI (if installed) ———— tweakui
User Account Management ———— nusrmgr.cpl
Utility Manager ——— utilman
Windows Address Book ——— wab
Windows Address Book Import Utility ———– wabmig
Windows Backup Utility (if installed) ———— ntbackup
Windows Explorer ———— – explorer
Windows Firewall ———- firewall.cpl
Windows Magnifier ———— – magnify
Windows Management Infrastructure ———– wmimgmt.msc
Windows Media Player ———– wmplayer
Windows Messenger ———— msmsgs
Windows Picture Import Wizard (need camera connected) ——— wiaacmgr
Windows System Security Tool ——- syskey
Windows Update Launches ———— — wupdmgr
Windows Version (to show which version of windows) ——— winver
Windows XP Tour Wizard ———— – tourstart
Event Viewer ———– eventvwr.msc
Files and Settings Transfer Tool ———- migwiz
File Signature Verification Tool ——– sigverif
Findfast ———- findfast.cpl
Firefox (if installed) ——– firefox
Folders Properties ———- control folders
Fonts ———- control fonts
Fonts Folder ———— fonts
Free Cell Card Game ——- freecell
Game Controllers ——— joy.cpl
Group Policy Editor (XP Prof) ——— gpedit.msc
Hearts Card Game ———– mshearts
Help and Support ——- helpctr
HyperTerminal ———– hypertrm
Iexpress Wizard ———- iexpress
Indexing Service ———- ciadv.msc
Internet Connection Wizard ——– icwconn1
Internet Explorer ———- iexplore
Internet Properties ——— inetcpl.cpl
Internet Setup Wizard ——- inetwiz
Java Control Panel (If Installed) ——— jpicpl32.cpl
Java Control Panel (If Installed) ——— javaws
Keyboard Properties ———– control keyboard
Local Security Settings ——— secpol.msc
Local Users and Groups ———— – lusrmgr.msc
Logs You Out Of Windows ———- logoff
Malicious Software Removal Tool ———– mrt
Microsoft Access (if installed) ———— – access.cpl
Microsoft Chat ———— – winchat
Microsoft Excel (if installed) ———– excel
Microsoft Frontpage (if installed) ———– frontpg
Microsoft Movie Maker ———– moviemk
Microsoft Paint ———— mspaint
Microsoft Powerpoint (if installed) ——— powerpnt
Microsoft Word (if installed) ———- winword
Microsoft Syncronization Tool ———- mobsync

Who said car names don’t have meaning?

Anupam — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 09:33:51 +0000

BMW: Brings Me Women.

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing’s Drivable And Inexpensive.

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

KIA: Kills In Accidents.

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life.

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside.

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.

Mobile battery – Saving TIPS

Anupam — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 14:42:22 +0000

If you’re expecting a call and your battery icon starts blinking, the first thing you should do is find a charger. But if that’s not an option, here are ten things you can do to hang on. We’ll skip the usual tips about the ‘memory effect’ and which battery type is better — NiCd or Li-Ion — because you don’t really have a choice in that.

Close Background Applications
If you’re using a Smartphone, close applications that you don’t need. Applications that stay active in the background use up a bit of CPU, which uses up battery. Make sure you ‘exit’ the applications from the menu, not by pressing the ‘End’ key, as that merely puts the application in the background. In Series 60 Smartphones (mostly Nokias), hold down the ‘Menu’ key to get a list of all applications running in the background to close them. In Windows Mobile 5 phones, open the ‘Memory’ application and check the ‘Running programs’ tab to close them.

Turn Down Screen Brightness
The screen is one of the most power-consuming parts of the mobile phone. The lower the brightness, the lesser power it needs. Keep it as low as you can, so long as you can still see it! Also, some phones like the E61 and the BlackBerry Pearl come with auto-adjust features that increase the brightness in brightly lit areas and dim it in low-light areas. If you’re setting the brightness low, make sure that auto-adjust is turned off.

Don’t Use Animated Wallpapers or Screensavers
The animations in wallpapers and screensavers can drain a bit of battery as they also consume a wee bit of CPU. Turn them off.

Turn Off Keypad Lights
If you’ve been using the phone for a while, you may be able to use the keys without seeing them. If this is the case, the keypad backlight can be turned off. However, not a lot of phones support this, but it’s worth considering if your phone does.

Decrease Screen Standby Time Out
The time till your screen dims out and/or gets turned off is configurable in most phones. 10 seconds is good, 5 seconds is better. Set it as low as you can go without it becoming inconvenient.

Turn Off Vibration
Probably the second most power-consuming feature of any mobile phone is the built-in vibration alert. See if you can do without it.

Turn Down Ringer Volume, Keypad Tones and Speaker During Calls
If you’re mostly indoors, like in the office or at home, a low ringer volume can go a bit towards saving your battery. Most phones also have DTMF-like keypad tones, which are not necessary if the keypad has decent tactile feedback. I keep them turned off most of the time — you can try it too. Volume of the earpiece when you’re on a call can also be lowered, and that helps too.

Disable Voice Clarity / EFR / Voice Privacy
Almost all phones now do Enhanced Full Rate (EFR) for voice communication that consumes a little more power. In most cases, the enhanced quality of EFR doesn’t make a difference thanks to the high noise levels in our city. Keep it off, you probably won’t miss it. Some phones (mostly Samsungs) have a ‘voice privacy’ feature which can also be turned off to save battery.

Turn off 3G / GPRS / EDGE
Most 3G/UMTS/WCDMA phones keep searching for 3G coverage by default. In India, they’ll keep searching till 2008, draining your battery, so go to the network selection screen and choose GSM-only. If your phone has a secondary camera near the screen, it’s a 3G phone. Check your phone’s specs on the website if you aren’t sure. Sometimes, even regular GPRS or EDGE connections stay active in the back, so make sure you specifically disconnect when you’re done browsing the web.

Use Bluetooth and WiFi Only While Transferring
If you only use Bluetooth occasionally to transfer files to and from other devices, there’s probably no point keeping it on all the time. Most phones only come with an on/off setting for Bluetooth, unlike the ‘Turn on for 10 minutes’ setting available for Infrared in some phones (mostly Sony Ericssons). People tend to forget about Bluetooth being left on after transferring the file — avoid doing this. Same goes for WiFi, if you’re phone has that.

Here’s another tip — find a USB cable if your phone supports recharging via USB. The Motorola RAZR/KRZR/SLVRs and most Windows Mobile Smartphones have a standard miniUSB slot that can use the same cable as most digital cameras. You’re more likely to find one of these lying around somewhere than a charger for your phone, unless it’s a Nokia, of course.

Finally, the last tip is not very recommendable, but it is something to consider if you’ve tried everything else above: don’t use the phone too much. Of course, you can’t use the camera and media features (most Samsung phones won’t even let you, if the battery is low) but you can also be a bit choosy while answering incoming calls — not all of them need to be answered. This is even more true in case of unknown numbers!

Top 10 Ways to Unblock Websites

Anupam — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 16:04:47 +0000

How to unblock websites? These days, Internet filtering and controlled access is the new trend. More business owners are implementing filters within their companies with the purpose of blocking websites. Their intention is understandable but, on the other side, people love freedom and sometimes they feel mistreated. However, here are some things you can do that will help you bypass filters and unblock websites.

1. Use web proxies.
Many free online services allow you to access blocked websites through a proxy server. A proxy server is an intermediary between the user and the server where the request was send. Here is a list with the most known resources of web proxies:
Proxy.org,
HideMyAss.com,
Kortaz.com,
KProxy.com and
Anonymouse.org

2. Use VPN connections.
A VPN (Virtual Private Network) is like a tunnel over the public network. The advantage of using VPNs over web proxies is that VPNs are more secure because they are using advanced encryption and allow you to access all the applications (mail, chat, browser etc) in complete anonymity and not only the web sites. The most known free VPN is
Hotspot Shield.

3. Use Hide IP software.
These are easy to use and even if the main functionality is to hide IP address and unblock websites, there are applications that can provide you more than that – like cleaning online tracks, testing proxies, manually adding proxy etc. Usually if you choose a free software, then this will provide you a minimal number of proxies and no other features than hiding IP address.
Not My IP is one of the latest free hide IP address software that has already gained a large market followed by the old
UltraSurf which is already very popular. Regarding paid applications that provide more features and have a complex structure, my recommendations are
IP Privacy and
Hide My IP.

4. Use Toolbars and Firefox add-ons.
Toolbars and
Firefox add-ons are in fact software applications that work on specific browsers and with a simple click you can enable or disable online anonymity.

5. Use translation services.
Introduce the link of the blocked website in the translation field (for example in
Google Translator) and choose a random language to translate from because translation from English to English is not supported.

6. Use Google cache.
In the Google search field type cache: before the URL of the blocked website. For example type cache:http:/ /www.domain. com

7. Use Internet Archive.
Internet Archive allows you to view blocked websites through the Wayback Machine. This will retrieve all pages of a specific website indifferent if the website is blocked.

8. Use Web2Mail service.
Web2Mail it is a free email service that can sent to your email address specific web pages. You sign up for an account and get set to receive specific websites by email.

9. Change the http of an URL into https
This is the easiest way to access blocked websites. Of course, this might not work every time but you have many other solutions also. This is the fastest one.

10. Use IP address of the website instead of URL.
To use the IP address of a website instead of URL, you must first find its IP. To do this open command prompt and type: “ping domain.com”.

What is Your Blood GROUP

Anupam — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 23:45:04 +0000

	BLOOD GROUP O	BLOOD GROUP A	BLOOD GROUP B	BLOOD GROUP AB

In a nutshell	Cannot stand people	Pessimistic and too	Cannot take orders easily	Romantic and sentimental
	who hide the truth	sensitive

Basic Behavior	Make objectives clear	Careful about decision-making	Make decisions fast	Extremely practical

	Possess great deal of	Make things clear in	Can be flexible	Excellent in analyses
	confidence	black and white

	Honest, optimistic and energetic	Care too much about	Do not care about rules	Give fair criticisms
		social rules and standards

			Respect scientific and	Cannot decide when it
			practical findings	comes to important issues

Tolerance	Strength and endurance	High tolerance for	Maintain the longest	Try to be hard-working
	depend on their aim	physical or repetitive work	interest in what they do

	Give up easily if they	Cannot take changes easily	Seem impatient	Tend to be impatient
	find the job meaningless

		Lose interest in a hobby easily	Dislike repetitious work

How do they see	Positive about the past,	Try hard to forget the past	Hard to forget recent affairs,	Sentimental about the past
their	thus do not regret about		but able to forget past
future and past?	the past		and memories

	Seek financial stability	Pessimistic about the future		More concern about the
	for the future			immediate problems than
				anything else

How do they	Usually stable and calm	Able to display cool outlook	Expressive	Sentimental
express their		even though angry
emotions?
	Sensitive towards sincerity	Short-tempered	Cool and objective	Usually cool and steady,
				but can get upset with an
				immediate, unsolved problem

	Give frank, direct opinions	Take longer to heal a	Although joke a lot,	Can get moody easily
		broken heart	could actually be very shy

		Sensitive to others’ opinions	Change moods like the weather

			Cannot stop complaining
			when they are upset

How do they	Ability to concentrate vary from	Perfectionist	Creative and possess new ideas	Able to handle a wide
work?	time to time, depending on aim			scope of jobs

	Mostly prefer to lead	Handle one thing at a time	Cannot differentiate between	Value hard work
			work and hobby

	Can overlook details	Work a line between work	Cannot take orders	Quick in understanding
		and personal affairs

		Highly responsible	Do not hesitate to introduce	Not highly responsible and
			innovative changes and are not	unable to follow-up on a project
			worried about theirs criticisms	until its completion

		Tend to choose hobbies which		Tend to be artistic in approach
		help them release stress

Some Mobile MANNERS

Anupam — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:16:41 +0000

The mobiles industry wants as many people as possible to enjoy the benefits of mobile telecommunications and encourages individuals to use their mobile phones in a responsible manner and to be considerate and aware of situations where using their mobile phone might annoy others.

1. When in doubt, always go out

When possible go outside or to another room to make your call if your call might disturb others. Also, features such as text messaging answering services, call person and vibration alert can be used to receive important calls without disturbing others.

2. If you can’t turn it off, use silent mode

If you need to keep your phone on for important calls, then turn it to silent or vibrate mode. It’s the ring of a mobile phone in inappropriate places and times such as at the tennis or in restaurants which annoys people the most.

3. When required turn your phone off and check it’s off

There are some places where people should never talk on a mobile phone or send text messages and where the ringing of a mobile phone or message alert is considered highly unacceptable, such as: movies, stage shows, weddings, funerals, concerts, speeches, classrooms and lectures. In these cases, turn your phone off and remember to check it’s off before you enter the venue. You can always check your voice-mail, text messages or your answering service afterwards.

4. Keep your conversations private

People’s sense of personal space varies in each situation. Making a call in a busy pub may be okay, but talking loudly in a confined space like a lift or on a train tends to infringe on others personal space. Be aware of where you are and who you are with and what others are doing before deciding to make or accept a call. In some situations it might be better to send a text message.

5. Speak softly

Mobile phones have very sensitive microphones that can pick even the softest voice, so there is no need to shout. If you are having trouble hearing the other caller, check that you have the volume on your phone set high enough.

6. You don’t always have to answer- use your messaging service

It’s a natural reflex to answer your phone if it rings, however, if you forget to put your phone on silent or vibrate mode and it rings at an inappropriate moment, send the call to voice mail or your answering service (usually by pressing the hang-up key).

7. Talk to the one you’re with

If you receive a call during a conversation, send the call to your voice-mail or answering service. Your first priority should be to the person you are with. However, if you are expecting an important call let the person you’re with know before the call arrives and excuse yourself before accepting the call.

8. Don’t send inappropriate messages

Messaging is a great way to communicate, but don’t send offensive or threatening text, voice, picture or any other sort of message, because it is a criminal offense to use a mobile phone to menace or harass someone. Also receivers can save messages and easily identify you as the sender.

9. Respect others’ privacy when using in-phone cameras

In-phone cameras shouldn’t be used anywhere a normal camera would be considered inappropriate, such as in change rooms or toilets. You should ask for permission before you take someone’s picture. Also bear in mind that some venues do not allow the use of cameras and may refuse entry to anyone with one.

10. Ban the ring: not the phone

Wherever conversations are normally acceptable, venues can help by asking people to turn their phones to silent or vibrate mode rather than turning it off. This approach will help with compliance, especially for people who need their phone for important calls. Venues can also assist by reminding people to set their phones to silent mode, before they enter.

Customer Care in 2020

Anupam — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 23:13:16 +0000

Customer Care in 2020…………after Nandan Nilekani succeeds in his job

Operator : “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut ….”

Customer: “Helloo, can I order…”
Operator : “Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?”

Customer: “It’s eh…, hold……….on……889861356102049998-45-54610″
Operator : “OK… you’re… Mr. Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?”

Customer: “Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : “We are connected to the system Sir”

Customer: “May I order your Seafood Pizza…”
Operator : “That’s not a good idea Sir”

Customer: “How come?”
Operator : “According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir”

Customer: “What?… What do you recommend then?”
Operator : “Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it”

Customer: “How do you know for sure?”
Operator : “You borrowed a book entitled “Popular Hokkien Dishes” from the National library last week Sir”

Customer: “OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?”
Operator : “That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99″

Customer: “Can I pay by! credit card?”
Operator : “I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3, 720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.”

Customer: “I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives”
Operator : “You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today”

Customer: “Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?”
Operator : “About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…”

Customer: “What!”
Operator : “According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,….registration number 1123…”

Customer: “????”
Operator : “Is there anything else Sir?”

Customer: “Nothing… by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?”
Operator : “We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic…….”

Customer: …. (abusive language )
Operator : “Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?”

Customer: [Faints]

Jokes

Anupam — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 17:51:14 +0000

Husband to wife: Tum meri Zindagi ho, aur…
WIFE: Aur kya?….
Tell me Aur kya?
WIFE shouted: Tell me aur kya?
HUSBAND: Aur laanat hai aisi zindagi par…

BOY to girl : Tu hi to jannat meri,Tu hi mera junon
or kuch na janu mae bas itna hi janu,
Tujme RAB dikhta hai YARA mae kya kru??
Girl: Mattha tek or Dafaa ho…

What is the height of Flirting?
?
?
When your love letter starts with “TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN”…

GIRL- Jaan mujhey aise propose karo jaise kisi ne na kiya ho.
BOY(slapped her, and said) – “chudail, I luv u, mujhsay shaadi karke mujhey tabah kar de”…

After robbing the Bank, robber to clerk: Did u see me robbing?
CLERK : Yes.
Robber shot him dead & asked the next clerk:Did u?
SECOND CLERK : No, But my wife saw u! …

Bunty baar me ro raha tha.
TENDER : Kyo ro rahe ho?
Bunty : Aur kya karu??
Jis ladki ko bhulana chahta hun, uska naam hi yaad nahi aa raha….

BOY : Ae bewafa tune mera dil jala diya, Dil jalke rakh ho gaya.
GIRL : Teri kurbani barbad nahi jayegi, raakh idhar bhej de bartan dhone ke kaam ayegi….

LOVE V/S EXAM

LOVE:lots of thoughts in mind but no guts to express
EXAMS:lots of guts to express but no thoughts in mind…

A BOY said to a girL: come into my heart
GIRL said: sandal nikalu kiya?
BOY said: hatt pagli mera dil mandir thodhi na hai sandal pehenke hi aa jao…

EK AADMI ROZ SUBHA PED KI DALI PE CHADH K BAITH JATA THA,
PUCHO KYU?
?
?
?
BECHARA MBA KARKE PAGAL HO GAYA THA, APNE APKO BRANCH MANAGER SAMJHTA THA…

SANTA BANTA JOKES

Anupam — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 05:56:57 +0000

Santa to Pappu:

Where’s Sukhna Lake?
Pappu: Pata nahi.
Santa: Kabhi ghar se bhi nikla karo.
Pappu: Who’s Banta?
Santa: Pata nai.
Pappu: Kabhi ghar me bhi raha karo.

Santa: Bhaisahab time kya hua?
Man: Sham ke 6 baje hain!
Santa: Sala, subah se pooch raha hoon, sab alag alag time bata rahe hain.

Preeto: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.
Banta: Kya bataoon, sub galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost… 1 bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

Nurse: Congrats Santa ji, aap papa ban gaye.
Santa: Meri wife ko nahi bolna mein use surprise dunga!

Santa : I tried your number so many times, it always said ‘Switched Off’!”
Banta : Nahi Pape, it’s my HELLO TUNE!

Daku Mangal Singh Banta Ke Ghar Mein Ghu Ayaa..
Daku : Sona kahan hai, Jaldi Bataao..!
Banta : Pura Ghar Khali Hai Malko, Jithe Marzi So Jao!

Santa : Kaisi Sabzi Banai Hai, Bilkul Gobar Jaisa Swad Hai !
Jasmeet : Hey bhagwan! Na Jane Inhone Kya-Kya Kha Ke Dekha Hua Hai.
Gobar Ka Swad Bhi Pata Hai..!

Banta : Praji, Jab Main Paida Hua Tha To Military Walon Ne 21 Topein
Chalayeen Thi.
Santa : Kamaal Hai ! Sab Ka Nishana Kayse Chook Gaya..?

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Anupam — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 06:30:36 +0000

EFFECTIVE August 01, 2009

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.